A sizable portion of my adult life has been spent being deeply saddened by my perceived lack of meaningful friendships, always thinking I am just the throwaway friend, or the ~troubled~ friend that no one has the patience or desire to deal with.
Maybe that was very true for many years. Now, I feel like the absent, boring friend. I am invited to participate in things, which is what I always felt I wanted, but I don’t participate. I thought once I had a suitable mode of transportation, I would tear up the town at all times and always be with everyone. But it just seems like too much work now. I am self-conscious all of the time, I prefer to be at home where I can wear sweatpants and I don’t have to try to be clever. Not to mention; I work some day shifts and some night shifts, which makes my sleeping patterns bizarre and I am deathly tired more often than not.
I got a letter in the mail from my sister’s middle school (addressed to Mrs., which I am clearly not) soliciting donations to her marching band endeavors. I wondered if my mom suggested she list me as a prospective benefactor (which I am also clearly not) and it kind of pissed me off. Like…she is one of the most privileged children I know, why she or my mom would think I could or would possibly donate money to one of also the most privileged school corporations is beyond my understanding.
I feel so horrible. I honestly don’t want the responsibility of living anymore.